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Reflecting....

I haven't written in awhile.. partly because I have been so numb it hurt to feel... I guess you can say I'm starting to defrost... I have done so much in my life this past year and a half.. it has changed me forever as a person... I took so many small steps.. barely noticeable at the time.. but now that I reflect back.. I'm a little shocked!! I have overcome some enormous hills and barely even noticed... I just keep putting one foot in front of the other... more often I'm taking several steps back but still seem to move forward somehow.. pure will?? Faith?? hope?? not sure...
I have learned to stay positive no matter what is happening around me.. somehow it changes the vibe around me... I have also learned to stay focused... my focus stays on what is truly important to me.. my kids.. family.. my most very important relationships to me... the ones that encourage me to stay focused and positive... I try to stay away from the negativity... I do my best to ignore it as much as I can... Which is not easy at all... I have a way for praying for what I need and making it happen.... I pray a lot... somehow I have made it this far with very little help... I'm making it.. struggling but making it!! For the first time in my life I'm completely on my own with three little people counting on me... It's scary... That doesn't seem to go away... That feeling...it does however drive me to work harder.. Push myself more and the outcome seems to make me stronger... I have figured out that all I have to do is put my mind to something and somehow it seems to happen.. not right away but everything always seems to work out.. I have to admit that I'm still the most scared I have ever been and have no sense of security... always feel like I could just give up but I never do... I wake up the next day... tell myself to be happy... put a smile on and start my day:) Somehow I make it through....
The hardest days are when I don't have my kids with me... Talk about lonely... You have no clue about lonely until the 3 people you spent your entire adult life taking care of are suddenly not there for a couple days... It gives a whole new meaning to empty... The only way I have found to remedy that is to take that time to take care of things I can't do when they are with me.. rest and then when they are with me the focus is on them and not the 50 million other things that need to be done... I also miss them sooo darn much it just makes me appreciate my time with them that much more... so there I found a positive from something I consider to be a huge negative.....

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