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Jul. 1st, 2010

moving on...

It's funny how you move forward and don't even realize it.. then you just look back one day and think "How the hell did I get here?" I feel like that... I have been so focused on making sure I continue to put one foot in front of the other that I hadn't realized how far I have really made it.. I'm in a whole new world and didn't even realize it.. A world filled with happiness and love.. Who knew that even existed?
I sat down one day and started writing down everything I have accomplished in the past 3 years and thought to myself.. Wow You did it! Everything I said I was going to do I did... small and big.. Amazing to me! I did this because my good friend told me one day what an amazing person she thought I was.. she floored me.. She told me I should write a book because I had an amazing story.. I'm not sure about that.. honestly I think I'm as boring as it gets.. but it was nice to hear.. I thought taking stock of my accomplishments would help me see I was going in the right direction.. I'm glad I did.. I feel good about myself.. who I have become.. choices I've made and most importantly the kind of mom that I am.. I'm proud of that and I think my kids are as well... I feel lucky to have wonderful people in my life supporting me.. lifting me up.. giving me the strength I need to keep moving forward...

Sep. 15th, 2009

Reflecting....

I haven't written in awhile.. partly because I have been so numb it hurt to feel... I guess you can say I'm starting to defrost... I have done so much in my life this past year and a half.. it has changed me forever as a person... I took so many small steps.. barely noticeable at the time.. but now that I reflect back.. I'm a little shocked!! I have overcome some enormous hills and barely even noticed... I just keep putting one foot in front of the other... more often I'm taking several steps back but still seem to move forward somehow.. pure will?? Faith?? hope?? not sure...
I have learned to stay positive no matter what is happening around me.. somehow it changes the vibe around me... I have also learned to stay focused... my focus stays on what is truly important to me.. my kids.. family.. my most very important relationships to me... the ones that encourage me to stay focused and positive... I try to stay away from the negativity... I do my best to ignore it as much as I can... Which is not easy at all... I have a way for praying for what I need and making it happen.... I pray a lot... somehow I have made it this far with very little help... I'm making it.. struggling but making it!! For the first time in my life I'm completely on my own with three little people counting on me... It's scary... That doesn't seem to go away... That feeling...it does however drive me to work harder.. Push myself more and the outcome seems to make me stronger... I have figured out that all I have to do is put my mind to something and somehow it seems to happen.. not right away but everything always seems to work out.. I have to admit that I'm still the most scared I have ever been and have no sense of security... always feel like I could just give up but I never do... I wake up the next day... tell myself to be happy... put a smile on and start my day:) Somehow I make it through....
The hardest days are when I don't have my kids with me... Talk about lonely... You have no clue about lonely until the 3 people you spent your entire adult life taking care of are suddenly not there for a couple days... It gives a whole new meaning to empty... The only way I have found to remedy that is to take that time to take care of things I can't do when they are with me.. rest and then when they are with me the focus is on them and not the 50 million other things that need to be done... I also miss them sooo darn much it just makes me appreciate my time with them that much more... so there I found a positive from something I consider to be a huge negative.....

Jul. 17th, 2007

:)

My nephew's went home last night..I have to say i really miss them. tyler the 4 year old told me he wants to see his mom but he was going to miss me. he said I'm going to miss you aunt trish...and then he started crying...oh I miss him already and the little one is just a great kid and always wanted to be with me...I love kids :) they are the best! As much work as it was..I got so much out of having them stay with us!!

Jul. 13th, 2007

madness in the house...

Crazy!! I have my 2 nephews with us untill monday night. They have been here since Wed....My head is spinning!!! It's funny, there is no way I would ever take on the responsibility of having any more children but I have to say spending time with them makes me miss my kids being young...Those were the good ol' days when I was really happy :) I'm writing this with tears down running down my face...I want to feel the way I did then...How do I get there?? I have been working so hard to change my life and make a future for myself but I feel like I have no one to share it with...so sad. No one even wants to hear about what I have been doing...my friends sadly could care less...they don't want to hear about how I have been working my ass of studing, training and teaching...No one cares I have had little sleep, little help from family with my kiddies...I'm doing most of this on my own!! I'm learning how strong I am and will be able to make it on my own...
My mommy is my best friend. She is there supporting me as much as she can being so far away! I love her and don't know how I can ever repay her for all she has and is doing for me. I hope I can be a great mom like her!! I try for that everyday!! I feel lucky to have her and my kids in my life...Life would truly be empty with out them :)They mean the world to me!!!
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Jun. 14th, 2007

Life..

Life sometimes seems unreal. I mean... here I am thinking my life is so bad, at least I have one. Last weekend was horrile. Sitting in my front yard drinkin and hangin with the neighbors..like the true 909er that I am...waiting for little Timmy to get home (my neighbors son..who I love as if he were my own)He got a new tat that day and we were waiting for him to come by and show us....Timmy is not so little...he's 18....anyways he calls and tells us I'm commin over in a few...my tat is almost finished...I said what did you get?? He says Life or Death....I asked why and he said it was just cool....whatever he's 18....so we wait and wait...no timmy....he finally calls and says he can't come by TJ was in an accident and in the hospital. TJ is timmy's best friend and a really awesome kid. TJ died :( The irony of this is when I saw that accident one month ago Timmy and TJ is who I called from the accident to tell them I loved them and wanted them to be safe!!! The day of the TJs death is the day he traded his car for that bike...I just told him last week as he installed a stereo in the bug... I thought that was a bad idea...kids should not ride street bikes!!! Kids just don't have enough skills and can't drive defensivly...I wished he would have listened....
Timmy went into the tattoo shop to get a tat of life and death. When he went in TJ was alive...when he came out TJ was dead....How weird is that?? a little freaky...I told timmy he needs to keep his head on straight and use this to learn from....I hope he does....At this point he could go either way....It's really hard to watch someone you love make horrible choices and mistakes..and he's not even mine...
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May. 12th, 2007

Reality Bites...

This trip has not quite turned out how I planned. On Friday on our way home from LA, Jenn and I went down into Orange County to do some shopping. On our way home...which we were late by the way, always happens with her..lagger!!! Anyways on our way home there was a Drivers licence check point....Guess who left their licence in their pocket from the night before?? JENN!! So after talking me into driving her dad's brand new Mustang, which I just did not want to do...We finally got out of there. But I was trippin...we just picked up some medical and it was super stanky!!! I ditched my pipe, which sucks cuz now I have nothing. So we go from there to get ready for the night which now I'm in a grouchy mood...They pick me up again so we can cruise down to HB....
On the way picking up a friend in Anehiem....Right around the corner from her house It happens..........I saw a guy get hit and thrown from his motorcycle....It all happened soooo fast but, the car that hit him took off....there were sparks flying as the guy fell to the ground. His motorcycle ghost rode down the street about a half mile and almost hit us and the car behind us in the proccess. Me and Dev's man jumped out of the car and went over to him...except I stopped cuz I knew in my heart he was dead and I could see his lifeless body lying there. I was in shock!!! David went over there....he started to ask him questions but there was no response. He looked over his shoulder at me and I could see it all in his eyes......We had to call 911 and stay so they could take our statements...I really hope they catch this guy!!! I had nightmares all last night...I feel like shit. I didn't even know this man yet I'm THIS effected by this. I will never forget the way his body was lying there...lifeless!! I can't believe he is dead.

Apr. 9th, 2007

"Easter"

Easter was fun! I invited some family and friends over and let the kids play. It was acctually a good time:) I cooked for the first time in a long time...It felt weird...It made me realize I have become a different person. Strange...

Today is my first class! I'm pretty excited!! I got one of my friends to sign up to take it...so that should be fun!
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Mar. 6th, 2007

Creating Maddness....

So I finished my tat and everyone thinks I'm totally crazy!! All I have to say to that is DUH....where have you all been anyway!! I honestly don't care what anyone thinks. I used to, but not anymore. I used to lose sleep over worrying about if someone liked me or was offended by me...Why? I have no clue. Those peeps could care less about me and what I think...I have found that out!! I hate judgement. Everyone has an opinion on my life and I truly don't want to hear any of it anymore. This year has been weird...I definetly know who my friends are and what family members are going to stick behind me. I, for the first time in my life, know exactly what I want and i'm going after it!! Full speed ahead and I'm not letting anything or ANYONE get in my way!!!! I'm finding out that some people in my life are not liking that...most likely because I'm breaking the behavior that has been holding me back for years.. the behavior of me giving in to everyone elses wants and needs and totally forgetting that I have any at all. That has been my mistake all these years and the other day I broke that chain and everything changed.
I am definetly on the right path these days. I know what direction I'm going and I know who will be there when I arrive....I feel awesome!! My path to self discovery has been an amazing journey...I have always known who I am....I have just been afraid to let peeps really get to know her. How crazy is that? I Love me....and you should too and if you don't then Fuck You and be on your way cuz I don't have time for you.

Feb. 22nd, 2007

Being silly...

I have been really busy these days, almost to the point where I haven't been having any fun at all :( And to me that is just NO way to live. So today I decided that instead of driving to pick my little man up from pre school, I would walk and bring his bike!! It's only a few blocks... but it's not easy to push a little bike so, I got on and rode it standing up, like a idiot. That's what a 30 year old looks like riding a 4 years olds bike...haha... I didn't think anyone saw me...then I got there and the moms were laughing at me...Super Funny! What they must think of me...I'm sure they weren't surprised. I often take my oldest son to one of the moms house in the go cart or on a skateboard with my dog pulling me...so she is pretty used to me doing strange things. My kids think its cool...and their opinions are the only ones that matter to me :) I just thought it was fun to be silly and let lose a little. It had been too long!
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Feb. 18th, 2007

My Week....

I have had an AWESOME week!! My parents came in last Sunday and that day could have not been more perfect. It was raining, I had a fire, I even made Lazanga, had some Wine, the kids helped me cook....really great way to start a week :) I wish everyday could feel like that. I really miss my mommy, I wish more than anything I could have her here with me always.


Monday I went and had the outline of my tat done. Damn it took almost 4 hours just to outline it...fucking hurt but I did good. He likes to take smoke breaks too so we got along fine :) Might be why it took so long. In 2 weeks I get to have it finished. Which is really going to hurt. I look at it in the mirror and think holy shit that's HUGE...but so badass!! My mom is going to freak! She wouldn't look when she was here..she is so weird. When I go home in May she will have no choice. I'm going to have the camera ready to capture the moment...my poor mom.

I also get to start teaching real classes soon. The temperary studio is opening up so I'm really excited about that! March 3rd I start a new training for the same girl and that is what I have been waiting to do. I should be done by the end of Aug. and then I can really start working and making some money. What a great feeling.

John and I have also been getting along. Not in our normal way but I really don't care. It's nice having peace and happiness. We put in grass and flowers and a salsa garden this weekend. The kids are sooooo excited! We have been living with rocks and dirt back there. I really did not realize how much I love to garden and how much I have missed it. We spent all Saturday afternoon planting together..What a nice day!! It felt like a normal Saturday at home...just like in cali. I like green!! My yard is now full of green :)

Ok I'm now done rambling....

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